Success Stories

CHAANGE Participants' Stories of Success:

Third Year College Student

I'm a third year student attending a large University in California.  Looking back on my past, it is clear to me as to why I developed into an agoraphobic person, fearful and avoiding certain situations.  From an early age I developed a perfectionist attitude and felt as though I had to be the best at everything I did.  I put an extreme amount of pressure on myself to do well in school in an effort to please my parents.  Constant stress combined with no free time led to my anxiety.  I didn't realize it, but I was my own worst enemy.

I played a large role in developing my agoraphobic condition.  I never openly expressed my feelings to others.  Whenever I felt upset or angry I would keep it inside.  I would bury it and hope that my feelings would go away.  I felt that being angry would make me a bad person.  I was scared of the person that I would become if I were to openly express my anger to others.  I felt as though people wouldn't accept me.  I wanted to be accepted by everyone. I wanted to be a calm person and lead a perfect life.  Little did I know I was setting myself up for disaster.

For as long as I can remember I have always been a shy person.  As a child I remember people telling me how well behaved I was and how lucky my parents were to have me as a son.  Whenever I went on car trips with my family I would sit quietly in the back.  I never said a word or made a peep.  I remember my grandma constantly telling me that I was a good boy. From an early age I realized that if I was bad I would be punished.     If I ever got into a scuffle with my brother or sister or displayed bad behavior I was punished.  I didn't like the consequences of being bad so I made an effort to be good and do the right thing. 

In elementary school my teachers would literally praise my parents for raising such an upright child.  One teacher even told my parents that she wished there were ten of me in her class.  I didn't know what the big deal was at the time.  All I was doing was keeping my mouth shut and doing my homework.  From an early age I developed the belief that if I did well in school and I behaved myself, I would be successful in life. 

I knew from an early age that school was important.  I felt that I would not go anywhere in life if I didn't do well in school.  I had to do well in school.  It was not an option.  Simply going to school wasn't good enough; I had to be the best.  I had to get straight A's.  It is clearly evident that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself at a young age.

As I entered middle school I developed feelings of insecurity.  I wasn't complimented for my good behavior anymore.  Teachers wanted me to participate more in class.  One teacher told me I was like a bump on a log.  She said I was physically there but mentally I was in another place.  I wasn't contributing anything to the class.  Just being physically there wouldn't cut it.  Teachers and peers frequently asked me why I was such a quiet person.  This led me to question myself.  I didn't like this quality in me.  I didn't like being a quiet person.  I began to put myself down and compare myself to others.  Why wasn't I more outgoing?

I became extremely self-conscious at school.  I didn't want to look like a fool in class.  I felt that if I would speak up I would probably say something stupid.  I wanted to be perfect, and in my mind perfect people didn't say stupid things.  I felt it was best if I would just keep my mouth shut.  Going to school became a dreadful experience for me.  I felt as though nobody understood me and how I was feeling.  I felt as though I was in my own little world and everyone else was on a different planet.  Whether it was a teacher, or a fellow student, I felt like I couldn't connect with anybody. 

My parents didn't know how I was feeling because I never told them how I felt.  They thought I was perfectly fine because I was still coming home with a straight A report card.  They did not realize how much I began to despise going to school.  I got A's only because I felt it was the right thing to do.  When I got my report card and saw straight A's it was not a happy moment for me.  It was something that was expected of me.  It was something that I felt just had to be done.  I felt it was the only way I would be accepted by my parents.  I loved my parents dearly and the last thing I wanted to do in the world was disappoint them.  I wanted their acceptance.

I carried the same thoughts and attitude with me as I entered high school.  I felt as though I would never be accepted because I didn't have the right personality.  I had my group of friends, but it wasn't good enough.  I wanted to be accepted by everyone.  To me being accepted meant everyone I met would immediately like me and see me as a good person.  I used to look at the popular kids and think they were the luckiest people in the world.  They were so lucky because everyone liked them.  I wanted to be Mr. Outgoing.  I wanted others to tell me how good I was.  I wanted someone to tell me that I was okay.  I wanted to be perfect.

I began to have panicky feelings during my senior year in high school.  I was taking a test in my Economics class.  It was quiet in the classroom, when out of nowhere my teacher let out a loud whistle.  He did it because he saw one of his friends walk by the class and he wanted to get his attention.  I literally jumped out of my seat.  My seat was at the front of the class, so I assumed that everyone saw me jump and make a fool out of myself. 

I felt extremely embarrassed.  My heart was racing, my face was red, and my palms were sweaty.  I couldn't let go of that uncomfortable feeling for the rest of the day.  From that day on I began to feel extremely uncomfortable in that class.  I became jumpy.  I would jump at every little noise.  Whether it was the school bell or the teacher's loud voice.  My heart would always race and I would always be sweaty.  

At the time I felt it was only that class that was giving me uncomfortable feelings.  I felt fine everywhere else; it was only when I was in that class that I began to feel anxious.  I was relieved on graduation day because it meant I was finished with high school and finished with that class.

That fall I began attending UCSD.  I completely forgot about the experience and was ready for a new beginning.  However, it wasn't long before I began to feel intimidated about my new situation.  I began to feel as though I didn't belong in college.  I felt as though I wasn't good enough to be there.  I compared myself to the other students and felt that I didn't look or think like any of them.  I didn't belong.  Even worse, my panicky feelings re-surfaced and progressively got worse.

I was scared to get out of my car, I was scared to go to class, and I was scared to leave my house.  I was extremely jumpy and anxious every time I set foot outside of my household.  I couldn't let go of that feeling of being judged by others.  I felt as though I was being scrutinized with every move that I made.  I couldn't go out in public, because it was a guarantee that I would make a fool of myself.  I unknowingly put myself in my own prison.

I eventually came to the decision that I needed help.  I did not want to go on living this way.  My initial thoughts were to solve my problems with medication.  I was prescribed Paxil, and later Buspar.  Neither of them worked; they only made my problems worse.  I developed bad side effects from both drugs.  I felt discouraged because I had high expectations for the drugs and felt as though they would be my key to freedom. 

After the drug failure I decided to look for a therapist.  I was flipping through the phone book when I found an ad for CHAANGE.  I checked out the website and was immediately attracted to the program.  The CHAANGE program has options that allow it to be accessible to anyone in any type of situation. 

I had the choice to see one of the eleven CHAANGE affiliated therapists in my area, use the phone coaching service, or do the program on my own.  Since my house was only a few minutes away from the CHAANGE National Headquarters, I chose to see Dr. Pullen weekly over the four months of the step-by-step program.   

When I first began the CHAANGE program my initial goal was to become a different person.  I wanted to change my personality and be more outgoing.  I wanted to be happy and I wanted to feel good every moment of each and every day.  After completing the CHAANGE program my feelings about myself have drastically changed.  I can honestly say that I am comfortable being me.  I am proud of every aspect about myself, imperfections and all.

I am not Mr. Outgoing and I am perfectly content with that.  I am in touch with my feelings and I have accepted the fact that I am human and that I am not perfect.  I have learned more than just how do deal with anxiety.  My outlook on life has completely changed.  I am no longer pressuring myself to be the best at everything I do.  I am no longer going out of my way to please others in an effort to gain approval.  The only approval that matters to me is my own self-approval.  For many years I wanted acceptance from others. 

I wanted to be accepted by my parents, my teachers, my peers and anyone else I came into contact with. I was looking for acceptance in the wrong place.  In my effort to gain acceptance from others I shut myself from the one true meaningful form of acceptance: self-acceptance.  I did not realize that if I loved myself, I would not have as many problems as I had.  I realize that I caused a lot of my suffering.  I was constantly putting myself down on a regular basis.  I constantly thought about negative things and I never made an effort to change those negative thoughts.  I put a lot of stress on myself and rarely relaxed.  I felt that I had to constantly do something productive with my time.  I now make every effort to incorporate some form of relaxation into each and every day.  I now realize that life is full of choices and that I don't have to do anything. 

I am not scaring myself over life's obstacles anymore.  I appreciate the little things in life and I don't equate my self worth with how much I have accomplished in a day.  My biggest achievement each and everyday is the ability to breathe and be alive.  Everything else is secondary.  Without that one simple achievement I would not be able to do anything.  I am human so I still feel stress and I still feel uncomfortable at times, but I am okay with that.  I do not put myself down under any circumstance. If I make a mistake I don't tell myself that I am a horrible person.  I learn from it and congratulate myself for making an effort.  I don't view my life as a struggle anymore; I view it as an accomplishment.  

B. A.

From H. J.

Dear Dr. Pullen,

I've had tests all week at the university, lots of work, and yet have handled it all well.  No problems!  I've actually been able to go to classes, be with people, and even talk to them a little bit.  I've “compartmentalized” each day, as you suggested, and changed my thinking over all.  I was very relaxed, and practice has done it.  I've truly changed my thinking and I am so excited.  I feel free!

One of the ways I'm doing it is to use the relaxation work you've given me fully now.  I am in control of my life.  I make a conscious effort each day and every day to change my negative dialog to positive dialog.  I don't avoid situations any more.  I know that the only way for me to totally overcome my anxiety condition is to not avoid any situation no matter how bad I may think it is.  The more I practice my newly acquired skills, the easier it is for me to get through my anxiety-causing situation.  I don't dread or anticipate the future.  I enjoy each and every day. 

If I feel bad it is because I am thinking negatively or I am putting too much stress on myself.  I know when to take a break, and I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be.  I wake up each and every morning feeling happy and energized.  CHAANGE has given me the skills to use my energy in a more productive and helpful way, rather than wasting it in worry and negative anticipation.

In short, now my future is bright!  I'm not so concerned what people think of me.  My work with CHAANGE and you is paying off, big time!  

H.J.

From B. C.

Dear Dr. Pullen,

Today I went to my neighborhood drugstore to get some shaving soap. To my chagrin, the druggist did not recognize me or call me by name as he always had before. Then it dawned on me, since I started the CHAANGE program a year ago, I haven't been in the store. During years of daily tranquilizers, anti-depressants and other prescription medication, I was in this store on a weekly basis.

Since I began with CHAANGE, I have not taken any of these psychotropic medications, nor have I been sick or had any prescriptions. So my friendly local pharmacist no longer recognizes me. As much as I liked him, it was a good trade for me, losing his friendship and gaining my life back.

I must admit I was quite skeptical of phone counseling. However, it was surprisingly helpful to me, and much more cost effective than flying to San Diego on a weekly basis. My wife has noticed a marked change in my behavior and attitude, something she never did with the years of 'conventional' therapy I had been through. The CHAANGE program was wonderful.

Thanks for your help.

B.C. 

From N. K. 

Dear Dr Pullen,

Here is a brief summary of my experiences with the CHAANGE program, and it is with great gratitude and pleasure that I write this!

I came to the CHAANGE program in 1982. At that point I was experiencing unrelenting anxiety, no matter where I was or what I was doing. I slept poorly, had panic attacks in my sleep as well as when I was awake, and was convinced I was either severely mentally ill (a daunting prospect for me, since I am a psychiatric nurse) or truly dying.

Prior to experiencing severe anxiety, I had functioned at a high level, maintaining a successful professional career and active social life. I believe that I always had a higher level of anxiety than most people, but I hid it well, and it never interfered with my life until it struck after the birth of my second child, and my decision to be a stay-at-home mom.

I also had a prolapsed mitral valve and a cardiac arrhythmia, which made my anxiety much worse – I was convinced I was a “cardiac patient” who could just drop dead at any moment. And of course the more I obsessed about that, the worse the arrhythmia became! I was indeed in the spiral of anxiety that I saw pictured in the CHAANGE materials. I also fit the background profile of the kind of person who develops this severe anxiety.

Before I came to CHAANGE, I was pretty much homebound, except for things I absolutely had to do. I couldn't walk around the block with my husband. I drove my kids to school, but dreaded it from the moment I woke up in the morning, and did it only with near panic levels of anxiety. I would start worrying about dental appointment weeks in advance.

I couldn't go next door to see my neighbor's new puppies. Grocery shopping was out of the question. So was church. And I just knew I never be able to function at a job again. That was the hardest thing about anxiety: the change I perceived in myself, going from a competent and respected professional woman to an incapacitated, constantly anxious “patient.” I didn't recognize myself.

I pretty much sat in my chair whenever I didn't have to be somewhere, monitoring my pulse, monitoring my anxiety level, and driving myself crazy. I had never heard of agoraphobia, my avoidance of things, and felt very, very alone. Most of my friends were mental health professionals, and I didn't dare tell them what was going on with me.

Then one morning I was tuned into a local talk show on TV. Faison was being interviewed, and I remember like it was yesterday. I stood there riveted to the screen, slack-jawed, as she described exactly what was happening to me! I wasn't nuts!! Or if I was, so was she, and she seemed to be functioning pretty well! I immediately sent for the program materials, and went to work on getting over my anxiety condition.

I must tell you that I did EVERYTHING that I was asked to do, as I was asked to do it. I cooperated. That was the key in my recovery. I got better, gradually and steadily. My life expanded a little bit. I could do “ordinary “ things with much less anxiety. I must stress that at this point I had NO thought of ever returning to work, traveling, or doing anything “stressful” ever again.

I just wanted to be able to shop and drive my kids to school and go to church. That was all. Ordinary things. I just wanted the anxiety to stop. If you had told me then what I would be doing today, I would have been overwhelmed with anxiety! 

I didn't aspire to anything at that point other than to do the ordinary everyday routines without incapacitating anxiety. I remember the day I heard Faison say on the tape that “there is no ‘it.'” Wow! Life-changing! And Dr. Pullen goes a step farther and says, “You are the ‘it.'” The anxiety did not have the power to continue nor stop! It wasn't this disembodied “thing” that was torturing me. I WAS THE ONE WITH THE POWER!!!! I doubled my efforts, and went to work on my thinking.

To make a long story short, I got better by leaps and bounds. In 1984, I returned to graduate school, at a large urban university with lots of stimuli and stress, and graduated with a 4.0 (and didn't NEED to get the 4.0!). I played my tapes on the way to school, and wrote my dialogs out. Soon I didn't need to do that anymore. I went back to work part-time while I went to school.

Not only did I begin going the church again, but I became the chair of a committee working to restore the church's historic old pipe organ, and spoke to large groups to raise money. Yes, I was anxious, but I used my skills, dialogued to myself, and BREATHED!! Soon I didn't need to use those skills consciously anymore either.

I began exercising with my doctor's approval, and reached a high level of fitness and well-being. No more frail, sickly, anxious self-image! No More! I began going up north to camp with my family. That caused lots of anxiety at first, being so far from home, but I used those skills that worked in everything else, and it faded. Now I drive up there myself, and the thought I might get anxious never enters my head.

So what's my life like now? I have less anxiety than the average person who has never had severe anxiety. I sleep well. I haven't had a panic attack since 1985. I am fit, healthy, and positive. I work part time at a responsible and busy job at a large urban medical center, I teach at the university where I got my Masters, I do volunteer work, and maintain an active social life with my friends.

Best of all, I've developed a “travel bug,” which I never in a million years would have thought possible! I've been to Costa Rica (with lots of anxiety – first trip! That's OK), Hawaii, a one-week guided hike in the Pacific Northwest (NO anxiety), the Peruvian Amazon (staying 100 miles from the nearest “town,” in the middle of the jungle! Awesome!), and Alaska. NO anxiety on any of the trips since Costa Rica (the first). After Costa Rica, where I had experienced more anxiety than I had since I finished the program, I took charge.

I polished up my skills, changed my dialogue, refused to frighten myself about it, had phone consultations with Dr. Pullen, and reviewed my tapes. I wanted to travel, and I wanted to do it without anxiety. And I had the same success. I have skills that most people don't have now, and I can apply them to any area of my life. I am grateful to CHAANGE for giving me the skills I needed. And I am grateful to myself, for taking those skills and running with them. I have my life back!!!

With gratitude,
N.K.